Down the Fox Hole
by Wynter Spite
Summary: Two women have died and suddenly found themselves in the Naruto world. Not only that, but they also seem to have somehow possessed Hidan and Kakuzu's bodies. Basically, they are them now. They should never have gotten on that cruise ship. Really, the fact that it was being called the 2nd Titanic was a bit of a clue. Oh, well. They're there now, so why not change a few things? OC In
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, and that's not my name, Hallelujah.**

**Title: Down the Fox Hole**

**Rated: M for language and possible violence. More language than violence. Seriously, these two have got a mouth on 'em.**

**By: Wynter Spite**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

_Five days ago:_

* * *

Mary stared hard into her sister's eyes. "We're all going to die."

Haley snorted. "Don't be ridiculous, Mary. We're far too young."

"No one's too young to die," Mary said derisively. "Were doomed if we get on this cruise, Haley. Doomed."

"That's just your superstition talking," Haley dismissed. "Just because they're calling it the 2nd Titanic doesn't mean it'll go down."

"Doomed."

"Yeah, yeah. C'mon, it'll be fun."

* * *

_Now:_

* * *

The 2nd Titanic was going down. Rain pelted hard on the tilting deck, the pitch black rain clouds covering the sun and making it hard to see through the harsh rainfall.

"What did I say, Haley!" Mary shouted above the noise, trying to stay above the water. "What did I say! Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna say now!" Thunder cracked as lightning illuminated the situation. "I TOLD YOU SO!"

"You always-" Haley was cut off when she went under momentarily, sputtering as she came back up. "You always have to get the last word!"

"You fool, Haley! You fool!"

"Damnit, Mary! Your face!"

"YOUR face-" Then she went under . . . and didn't come back up.

"Ha! Your face, motherf-"

And those were their last words.

* * *

Haley twitched as she drifted toward consciousness. There was nothing but darkness.

_What the hell, God? _she asked. _Let there be light, or whatever! _

She opened her eyes, and there was. Light. Ha! Take that, God! Take-uh . . .

Oh . . . oh! Oh, shit! There was a big frickin' pole stickin' outta her chest! Letting out a shriek that she would later deny, she scrambled to her knees and closed one hand around the black pole. Grimacing, she pulled it out of her with a wet 'squelch'. She stared down at her chest, somewhat incredulous. How was she still alive? No, no, 'still'? There was no 'still' about it! She'd drowned! Plus, she'd been stuck like a damn pig, and she wasn't even bleeding that much! Not to mention, where the hell had her knockers gone? Her boobs? Her lady lumps? Whatever you preferred to call them! Then there were her clothes . . . really, Akatsuki robes? She hadn't been, nor ever would be, a cosplayer. But here she was.

_Right. Calm down, Haley. Think. Remember what your anger management instructor taught you? Imagine a cool, calm, still, clear lake . . . are those a buncha dead monks?_

_Shitfuck._

Haley pushed herself to her feet and looked around. This looked seriously like the scene from that one episode of Naruto, the one where Kakuzu and Hidan destroyed that monastery . . . oh. Oh, crap. Tell her it wasn't so!

But there was an Akatsuki robe covering her body and a slashed hitai-ate around her neck. She slowly reached up and touched her hair . . . yep, short, slicked back. With the way this was going, it would no doubt be silver.

"Shit," she said aloud before she had a sudden thought. If she was Hidan . . . then where was Kakuzu?

* * *

Mary twitched as she rose to wakefulness.

This was . . . beyond strange. Hadn't she died? Drowned in the Second Titanic, just like she'd told her idiotic sister she would? Just like she'd known the moment Haley told her, with a cheer that had surely sealed their fate, of the dooming tickets bought cheap. She'd had the feeling it would end that way the instant Haley "Death and Destruction" Estrella said they'd been on sale.

Haley was a lure for anything involving crime or blood. Worse, she knew it and enjoyed the fact.

Slowly, Mary focused her eyes, which, weirdly enough, were already open.

. . . was that a dead monk at her feet? No, wait, there was more than one.

There also happened to be a man skewered on a black pole. The scene was oddly familiar, and Mary most likely would have realized why, if she hadn't been planning how to hide the bodies and get the hell out of Dodge right then.

Wait . . . had she gotten taller? And why was Mr. Skewer wearing Akatsuki robes? Had he been some kind of cosplayer? Dude looked kind of familiar, actually. In fact . . . he looked kinda like Hidan from Naruto.

Mary tentatively nudged the monk on the ground with her foot. "Mister-" She blinked at hearing her own voice. It was unnaturally deep, suited more for a man than a . . .

Oh . . . shoot. For the first time, she looked down at herself, taking in the Akatsuki robe and the black stitches as she held up her left arm.

She was freakin' Kakuzu.

As she absorbed this fact, the only thing she could think was a raging _Fuck you, Haley. Fuck. You._

* * *

Haley looked up when someone moved, finally spotting Hidan's-er, her's now, she supposed-partner.

They stared at each other for a moment. Finally, Haley said, "Fuck this shit."

"Your, er, ritual takes forever . . . Hidan," Kakuzu said carefully.

Haley floundered as she tried to think of what 'Hidan' would say. "Uhh . . . forget you, too, motherfucker."

Kakuzu gestured towards the unconscious monk at his feet. "Pretty sure this guy's dead. So. The bounty on him. Let's get it already." Inwardly, Mary was freaking out. _Holy shit, I killed a monk! I'm going to hell!_

"Holy shit, you killed a monk. You're going to hell, bro."

"You killed them too, you idiot!" Kakuzu snapped. "You're probably on Hell's Wanted list!"

"Whoa, no. I'm badass, but not that badass. If anything, you're the one who's been reserved a special place in a hot little hidey-hole down below."

"I guess this means my bad ass is more badass than your bad ass."

"At least I didn't knit my own knickers." Haley sneered. "I'll bet all your underwear is self-made, along with a little tag at the back with directions on how to use them and your cellphone number in case you lose them anywhere."

"I'll have you know that my underwear is NOT self-made," Kakuzu said hotly. "And I only knit scarves or sweaters and a few pairs of socks, thank you so very much! And they're a lot more comfortable than anything you'll find in stores or online!"

"Yeah? What about quilts? I'll bet you secretly have a closet full of quilts you made. You sew flowers and rainbows onto them, maybe the occasional carebear, too!" Hidan looked disgusted. "Carebears!"

Mary was enraged. "You dare! Carebears, of all the insulting . . . I'm going to skin you and make you into my new shoes! Squish, squish, Motherfucker!"

Haley paused. ". . . Mary?"

Kakuzu also paused ". . . Haley?"

"Damn." Haley began to laugh. "And here I thought I was up Shit Creek without a paddle. I got a whole 'nother craft, yo, and this one's a motor boat! Goddamn, givvit here, homie." She held out a fist.

Mary smiled . . . and punched her sister in the face. "What did I tell you!" she raged. "The 2nd Titanic, you moronic, cursed loofah! I told you so, Haley! I freakin' told you so!"

Haley fell back, clutching her nose. "Fnuck! Nou maneic!"

"You're the maniac! We watched the movie, and you still bought the tickets! Cheap! You're an idiot! Now look at us, stuck as characters from an anime show that isn't even real!" Mary shook her head. "I knew you were bad luck, but this is just overkill. Literally."

Haley blinked watering now-violet eyes, but managed a gin. "Hey, you know when we are, right? This means Asuma's still alive! Fuck yeah!"

Mary brightened. "Well, at least there's that. What d'you say we blow this popsicle stand and mutiny? You with me, fool?"

"Never doubt it, bro." Haley began to walk away, then suddenly stopped as a thought hit her. "Hey . . . you have any idea where we're going?"

Mary looked up from where she was dragging the poor monk up from the ground. "Huh?"

"Well, we're going ta the collection office, right? You have any idea where that is? And why are you takin' the monk, anyway?"

"Because I'm going to cash him in," Mary said plainly.

". . . like a coupon?"

"You make me sound like a monster."

There was a pause as they both thought about that statement. Then, surrounded by the wreckage of a demolished monastery and the bodies of dead monks, the two began to cackle.

* * *

By luck, the two newly reborn women-turned-men found a traveling, relatively weak (compared to them) shinobi whom they intimidated and threatened into giving them directions. The day much brightened in their eyes, they left the poor, sobbing mess of a man to make their way to the collection office.

Pausing at the door, Haley commented, "I dunno . . . isn't this kinda disrespective?"

Mary blinked in surprise. "Huh. I didn't think of that. I just thought, hey, free meal ticket." She looked down at the monk tossed over her shoulder. "I guess it's a little disrespective . . . I guess we could, I dunno, respect his death or something . . . I guess . . ."

Haley mused over it. For, like, thirty seconds. "Nah."

"Yes!" Mary cheered. They went to cash him in.

* * *

"That's Chiriku, all right . . . sure caught yourself a big fish, this time, Mr. Kakuzu," remarked the guy who's name apparently didn't matter enough to be mentioned.

_So that's the monk's name_, Haley thought, before being distracted by the image of Kakuzu sitting on the rocks beside a river, fishing pole in hand, reeling in the unfortunate monk on the end of his line.

_Weird_, she thought, dispelling the vision. She turned her attention back to Mary and the guy. "Hurry it up, I wanna get outta here. Seriously, it smells like dead bodies, and I don't know why."

"I don't know why, either, Hidan," Kakuzu said. "It's a mystery. A full-blown mystery."

Hidan humphed. "I don't like not-knowing stuff. It impedes my sense of self-worth. I have very delicate self-esteem."

Dude-Whose-Name-Wasn't-Mentioned sweatdropped. He'd thought he'd known all there was to know about the pair's weirdness, but apparently not. They were even worse than he'd thought.

Hidan waved a hand. "I'ma go wait outside, bro."

Mary snorted. "Like I care what you do. Fool."

"You're the fool, fool." Haley turned. "Don't take too long, lover." She left.

The man blinked and tried to ignored the scythe-wielding nukenin's endearment for his partner. Once everything was settled and Kakuzu had his money, he raised a hand in farewell. "Hope to see you again, sir."

"Don't count on it," Mary replied as she turned to leave. "Our destination is Konoha, to look for Jinchuuriki hosts." Cute l'il baby demayonnaise containers.

"Some advice, then, if I may," the man began. "Distance yourself from your companion. He has a face that is inauspicious for money matters."

Mary snorted again. "Yeah, he's hot, but that pretty face hides the intellect of a flaming idiot. Don't worry about me, mate. The first thing I'm doing is selling the moron to the first taker I can find." She paused, then shook her head and muttered, "Damn that gorgeous mug." She took in a breath. "Them cheekbones get me every time." She left, leaving the collector staring after her, open-mouthed and slightly traumatized.

* * *

Outside, Hidan glanced up at the sound of a footstep. "'Bout time, Kaku-_shit_!" She whipped out her scythe to knock away the shuriken flying toward her. "What the hells, man?" she complained. "Not even a word of warning? Not a, _'hey, dude, murder attempt comin' right at ya'_?"

Kotetsu and Izumo were suddenly there, attacking the immortal with what looked like a pair of big-ass kunai swords. Haley moved to block them or dodge them or whatever, but found she couldn't move. "Fuck." She'd forgotten about this part. But give her a break, it'd been a while since she'd actually watched the episode. Damn Naras.

Kunai swords stabbed through her.

"One down," Asuma said.

"Wow. And I thought Mary was a little lacking in the brains department. Don't you think that was a bit too easy, Goatee Guy?" Haley gave him a droll look. "I haven't survived this long just because I hadn't run into a Nara, ya know."

They gaped. Kotetsu gasped, "What the . . .?! We hit both the vital spots!"

"I know, and it hurts," she muttered.

"What is this guy? Immortal?" Izumo questioned.

"Wow. You just had to say it, didn't you?" Haley wrinkled her nose, which looked weird on Hidan's face. "Mind tellin' me who ya are, now?"

Asuma spoke up. "We are shinobi from Konoha. Our orders are to capture or kill you Akatsuki." The goateed man held up those chakra blades of his. "We already know you usually operate in pairs. I was planning on taking down one of you first, then capture the other . . . but I guess that's going to have to change."

Haley, who'd looked bored through the monologue, smirked. "Well, in that case . . . you chose the wrong one to start with," she unknowingly echoed Hidan's words. "Kakuzu doesn't like it when you threaten h-his family."

Asuma wondered why the silver-haired man had hesitated in that moment-it was hardly noticeable, but there. There was something else he should focus on, though. "So . . . where's your partner?"

There was a crash as the building part that Shikamaru had been crouching on was destroyed by Kakuzu's fist. "That would be him," Haley noted. From what she could tell, Mary had deliberately missed hitting Shikamaru, instead opting to crush part of the collection office.

Oh, well. It was no great loss. Plus, Haley was now free to move as she pleased. And, oh, did she please.

Mary stopped in front of Asuma, who had moved to protect Shikamaru. She pointed a finger at him, pressing her lips together behind the mask obscuring her face. "You. I don't like when people hurt my family. You just did. Despite that, I still think you look like a cute little beardy dog. But don't hurt Ha-Hidan again. Or else. I'll do something, I swear I will."

Asuma blinked.

"A cute, beardy dog?" Hidan peered closer at the jounin. "Well, goddamn, Kakuzu, now you got me seeing it. All he needs is a plaid ascot and you got one of those little Irish terriers." She paused. "Damn, that's adorable. Fuck this shit, Kakuzu, I just can't kill 'im anymore."

"You're right, Hidan." Mary shook her head sadly. "We've failed our mission and we haven't even killed anyone yet. Well, besides all those monks, but you know what I mean. You know what we're gonna have to do, Hidan? Let them live. Damn, the very thought brings a tear to my eye. Let them live. I'm ashamed of myself, but I just can't threaten that fuzzy facial hair."

"He makes me want to give 'im a dog treat in the shape of a bone."

"Doggy ears, Hidan. Think of the doggy ears."

Haley paused for a moment at that mental image, then shook her head too. "Damn, Kakuzu, we're such softies. Those furry animals just get to us every time, don't they?" She pointed at Asuma. "You better be grateful that you're so fuzzy 'n cute, Irish. 'Cuz this could've gone much different. Let's go, Kakuzu." She turned away.

"Wait!" Asuma suddenly realized what was happening and threw a kunai in Hidan's path. "We can't let you leave."

"Don't test us," Haley snapped. "You are no match for us. You won't leave alive if you try to attack us now. You don't know our strengths, our weaknesses, while we . . ." Her violet eyes bore into his. ". . . we can clearly see yours. And for us, your weaknesses outstrip your strengths. I say again: do not test this." She stared hard at him before swiveling on her heel and striding away, partner at her side.

The four shinobi watched them go, because Asuma knew . . . they were right.

And that really grated on him.

As the two walked away, he heard the one identified as 'Kakuzu' say, "Harcore, Hals. Hardcore."

* * *

**A/N**

**So, yeah. I just want to make sure you know, Mary and Haley are loony. They are certifiably insane. This is not a case of 'two normal women find themselves in Naruto and decide to change a buncha stuff for the goodness of their sweet, pure, innocent little hearts' so much as 'two batshit crazy women find themselves in Naruto and wreak havoc because it's fun'. There's a reason the therapists they'd seen back in their own world labeled them with 'psychopathic tendencies'.**

**Also, I rated this fic M because I wasn't sure if the kind of language could be labeled T. Anyway, hope you liked Mary and Haley's special brand of crazy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. But don't go riding wild horses in your joy for that.**

**Title: Down the Fox Hole**

**Rated: M for language, maybe some violence later.**

**By: Wynter Spite**

**Read and love and hopefully review.**

* * *

_Earlier:_

* * *

Haley paused. "Wait. Since I'm technically a guy now . . . does this make me gay?"

"Flaming," Mary said without batting a lash.

"Fuck yeah."

"You find this seriously hot, don't you?"

"I repeat: Fuck yeah."

Then something occured to Mary. "Shit. Now that I look like a weirdo, how in the Nine Circles of Hell am I gonna get a significant other?"

Haley eyed her partner. "Hell if I know. But if it makes you feel any better, if you weren't you, and I wasn't me, I'd totally hop in the sack with ya."

Mary managed a frail smile of gratitude. "Thanks, Hals. You always know just what to say."

* * *

_Now:_

* * *

"Once we're done with Three Tails we'll seal Two Tails as well. It'll take about six days, so prepare yourselves," Pein warned.

"Six days? Shit, that's like a millisecond from where we are. Did I mention that it's raining here? Why not make it a whole week so that Kakuzu and I can be really soaked to the skin when we get back," Hidan snarked.

"Fuckers," Kakuzu added, startling a majority of the infamous-and troublesome-group.

"Shut up, 'Kuzu. That's my line." Hidan turned back to them and added, "Fuckers."

"You're a fucker."

"Your face is a-"

"Fucker."

"Yeah, that."

* * *

Two Tails was finally sealed.

"Go," Pein stated.

"Fuck yeah," Hidan muttered. "Finally!"

"I was so bored," Kakuzu said. "I swear the rock I'm sitting on actually started talking to me."

Hidan turned to stare at him. "Shit. I'm partners with a crazy person." He turned his gaze upwards. "Jashin-sama, why have you paired me with a guy more loony than a big, green, jolly giant with a cat full'a bags?" He paused for a moment then corrected, "A bag full'a cats, 's what I meant."

"No, no, I think you got it right the first time."

"Whatever. Let's just go, eh?"

And they were gone.

* * *

Haley groaned as she stood up, massaging her neck. "Goddamn, six days without moving is hell."

"My old bones," Mary griped. "You're still young, Hals. What about me? Don't I deserve a bit of consideration, too?"

"Uh, I'm older than you, Mars." Haley stopped. "Wait . . . hey! Are you callin' me old?"

"Oh, ancient," Mary said dryly. "Positively ancient."

Hidan sneered. "You're the one who met the First Hokage when he was still alive, yo."

"That wasn't me!" Mary squawked. "My old bones aren't that old!" Then she paused. "Okay, my real bones aren't that old." Her gaze became shrewd. "I know that look. Haley, were you just now thinking of a bag of my bones and burning 'em like I'm a demon?"

". . . no." The silver-haired immortal averted her gaze.

"Haley."

She exploded, "Yes! Yes, I was! And you know what? _It felt good_!"

Mary gasped. "Haley! You take that back, you devil-woman! I'm a good soul! A good soul with a good heart, and you don't deserve the kindnesses I offer you!"

"Yeah, right. If I'm Hell's Angel then you're Heaven's Devil." She sniffed. "But none of this changes the fact that yer older'n dirt."

"You said not a moment ago that you're older than me," Mary said indignantly. "So what does that make you? Older than time? God? The chocolate-chip-brownie-fudgin' universe?!"

"Older than God?" Haley sneered. "Bitch, please. I am God!"

Mary raised her eyes to the heavens and clasped her hands together. "Jashin-sama, in all your glorious viciousness, please strike this wayward sinner with lightning. And make sure you get her good and crispy, too."

"Oh, shit." Haley looked around frantically. "Quick, I gotta sacrifice someone, pronto!" She stopped, then turned to look at Mary before also looking upwards. "Jashin-sama, please accept the humble sacrifice of Mary Estrella . . ." She took out her scythe with a regretful glance towards her sister. "You understand I gotta do this, right, Mars?"

Mary looked at her sister tearfully. "I understand, Hals. And I forgive you. You're just doing what you need to survive." She spread her arms. "Do it, Haley. And know that I only wish I could have stayed with you a bit longer." Her expression was regretful. "But it's too late now. So do it, you great big lug." She gulped in a breath. "Do it!"

"Oh, Mars!" Haley dropped her scythe and rushed towards her, enveloping her sister in a tight embrace.

"Haley!" Mary returned the hug with a tight one of her own, eyes shut tight. "Jashin-sama forgive me, but I don't want to die! For you, Hals. For you."

Haley dropped her arms and turned way. "Whatever. Let's go already."

"Shut up, idiot. And pick up your scythe." Mary started forward, muttering beneath her breath, "Loser."

"You're the loser."

"You-"

"Your face is a loser!" Haley interrupted triumphantly.

Mary shook her head sadly and turned away. "You're such a loser, Haley."

The silver-haired immortal stood there for a moment, alone. Then, trudging forward, she trailed after her sister like a lost puppy. "Forever alone, Hals," she said mournfully to herself. "Forever alone."

* * *

Haley bopped as she sang to herself, "You can be the greatest, you can be the best. You can be the King Kong bangin' on your chest. You can be a master, don't wait for luck. Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself . . . _standin' in the hall of fame_!" She gave a little hop over a tree root. "And the world's gonna know your name! 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame! And the world's gonna know your name! You'll be on the walls of the hall of fame!"

Mary slapped a hand on her face and drew it down. "Kill me now. Jashin-sama, as I know how vindictive you really are, I hope you don't frown upon the joys of sororicide."

Haley paused. "Isn't that technically fratricide now?"

"Well, no. Now it's just plain murder. I mean, in these bodies, we're not even related. Murder."

"Huh." Haley pondered that, then shrugged. "Whatever, soul sister."

Mary had to smile at that as she slapped Haley on the arm. "Shut up. Maneater."

"At least that's not literally. Can't say the same of you."

"Ooh, burn," Mary snarked. "At least now you know where your last boyfriend went."

Haley gasped. "The meatloaf? Jashin, no wonder it tasted so horrible. It was made with slime ball."

Mary snickered. "Spiced with rat and a dash of scum of the earth."

Haley sniggered, casually sidestepping the shadow reaching for her.

Mary, too, only took half a second to get out of the way. But there were letter bombs attached to a pair of kunai thrown at them. Haley grimaced, throwing herself to the side, not wanting to lose her badass scythe. She rolled with it, twisted upright a ways away from the grasping shadow. "Kakuzu!" she barked.

The look on Mary's face was unholy, as was the light in her eyes. It was a mix of maniacal glee and sly indecency. "I hardened, so I'm fine," she called gleefully.

"Shit! We can really do that here, can't we?" Haley realized, somewhat horrified.

"We can!" Mary cackled. "I'm an old man, but you, Hidan . . . you're still a nice, VIRILE young thang."

"Yeah . . . come to think of it, I am. I'm a ripped, silver-haired hottie with a scythe and a face to die for." Haley leered. "Literally." She lunged away when she caught sight of Shikamaru in the air, chakra blades flying from his hands.

Mary threw herself out of the way, taking her shadow with her. She shook a fist at Shikamaru, shouting, "Ha! Take that, Spikey! We, the Deranged Duo, have beaten your pretty little eco-friendly knives! You're doomed! Doomed, I say!"

"Yeah, Pineapple Head. Don'tcha know it's rude to attack someone when they're talkin'?" Hidan sneered. "I'm nothin' but a 'umble travellin' priest o' Jashin, 'e's jus' some 'ard'eaded fool I picked up, an' you think you kin jus' waltz on by an' try ta capture us? Nothin' doin', jerkface! I'll kick yer ass!" Her accent had thickened, and was now rich in her voice.

"Pineapple Head?" Mary said disappointedly. "Oh, Haley. That's just . . . shameful. I can't even stand to look at you." She closed her eyes and turned her head away. "Go away. And come back when you can think of better insults than that."

"What? 'Is 'air looks like a spiky brown pineapple top! Seriously!" protested the silver-haired immortal, accent lessening by the minute. "Besides, don't you agree that we should kick 'is ass? My private time has been interrupted! I feel so violated, Mars!" She stamped her foot. "Beat up that guy for me, Mary!"

'Mary?' Shikamaru wondered.

"Now, now," Mary soothed. "Let's not fight. Brothers and sisters should be nice to each other, you know."

"Uh, he's not my brother. I think I'd know."

"He's your brother," Mary said pleasantly. "Trust me. Mommy knows best, Haley." She gave her sister a look. "If I say he's your brother, then he's your damn brother."

Haley cowered away. "Yes, Mum." She turned to Shikamaru, still shooting Mary nervous looks. "Uh, hey, li'l bro. I'm your new brother. I'm probably illegitimate and I like to collect sharp things and play with 'em. I like little beardy dogs with plaid ascots like your teacher there, and I still think your hair looks like a pineapple. But I'll love you anyway." Hidan gave the young Nara a smile that deeply disturbed him.

Mary patted Haley on the top of her silvery head. "Good girl." Then she turned to Shikamaru and waved a hand. "Hey, son. I know this will come as a surprise to you, but . . ." She smiled brightly, "I'm your second father!"

He stared at the insane criminals. Then his look turned considering. They were completely off their rockers, but perhaps he could use that to his advantage . . . "Alright," he finally said.

'_What_?' thought the Chuunin and Jounin hiding in the trees.

"But I can't have family relations in the Akatsuki or any criminal organization," Shikamaru warned.

Haley brightened. "Well, shit, that's fine 'n dandy. I mean, we've already defected."

_'What?'_ was the general thought at that moment.

"Well . . . that's . . . good."

"Yeah. Those guys annoyed the shit outta me." Hidan ambled forward and threw an arm around Shikamaru's shoulders. "So, what now, li'l bro? Me an' Dad over there're ready to quit this popsicle stand."

". . . I think you need to meet the Hokage."

"Coolio."

"Mind you be polite to the Big Boss, son," Mary warned. "She's not Big Boss for nothing, after all. Just, you know, don't make indecent remarks or anything. And don't call her Big Al, either." She looked at Asuma, who'd come out of hiding to just stare at them. "As for you . . ." He tensed as she eyed him. "You're gonna get a nice, soft ascot to match your doggy beard." She snapped her fingers. "Chop, chop, Irish. Time's a wastin' and Hidan needs some new fluffy socks."

"Make 'em red this time, 'Kuzu. I need my red fluffies to keep my immortal feet warm."

A chill went down Shikamaru's spine. What had he done?

Mary snorted. "You mean your pale, limp chicken-feet? Your noodle appendages? Your chicken-noodle-"

"You shut your mouth about my feet! They are lovely and beautiful! If there were feet models, people would be clamoring for magazines with'em on the cover!"

_Ah, yes_. This. This was what he'd done.

"Eh? Are you facepalmin', Pineapple? Why're you facepalmin'?" Hidan turned to complain to Mary, "Dad, he's facepalmin' me!"

Mary facepalmed. Just to spite her sister.

"Gah! Yer all against me!"

Mary sidled over to Asuma and leaned over to whisper out of the corner of her mouth, "Not the sanest dude, that one. I advise you avoid 'im. Who knows what he could get up to?"

Haley shuffled over to Asuma, sniffling. "Yer the only one I have, Irish. You an' yer beardy dog face."

And thus was the beginning of a long and torturous acquaintance with a pair of misfit immortal defectors.

Yay.

* * *

**A/N**

**In case any of you wanted to know, Estrella means 'star' in Spanish.**

**The song that Haley was singing is _Hall of Fame_ by _The Script ft. will. _, but I've only listened to it sung by _Glee_. Seriously, so catchy, those kids are talented, man.**

**Also, thanks to the _one_ person who reviewed. And I mean that sincerely. Okay, there was a little sarcasm in there directed towards everyone else, but I really do appreciate you taking your time to actually leave a comment. I'm glad that you find this hilarious. I know we certainly do. In fact, I find myself very fond of this story. We usually don't curse that much, or at all, but this one just seems to call for it.**

**Also, in case you're wondering about that 'we', I'm talking about my sister and I. Yep, this is actually being written by both of us. In fact, all the stories on my account are a mix of the ones she's written and the ones I have. This is the first one that's being done by both of us. I thought up the idea while we were on a walk together and told her about it, she commented on it, then it just expanded into this. We get a lot of things done on those walks.**

**Anyway, this is a fudgin' long author's note, isn't it? Yeah . . .**

**I regret nothing.**

**And lastly, Supernatural reference! Yay!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and I don't wish to. I just like writing stories about it. And reading 'em.**

**Title: Down the Fox Hole**

**Rated: M, mainly for language.**

**Author: Wynter Spite**

**You know what they say. Read, review, write, love, review . . . or something like that.**

* * *

_Previously, on Down the Fox Hole . . ._

* * *

"Hey, Haley."

"Yeah?"

"Let's defect."

"Okay."

* * *

_Now . . ._

* * *

". . . let me get this straight. You defected from the Akatsuki because . . ."

"They were annoying shits," Hidan confirmed. "And world domination is so cliché, anyway."

"I think the one we called Leader wanted world peace, though," Kakuzu added.

"It's just that he had a shitty way of going about it."

"Like world domination shitty."

"Yeah. That shitty."

The Fifth Hokage, Lady Tsunade stared at them. It had been considered that they were just acting, going along with them because they wanted to get into Konoha. But now she wasn't so sure. One thing she knew, though . . . these two were fudging crazy.

"Okay." Tsunade rubbed her forehead. "Do they know you've defected?"

"Nah."

"Well, I thought about leaving a note," Kakuzu admitted. "Something like 'Yo, we're defecting. Sorry for your loss, but you guys should really get your priorities straight. Seriously. Your plans? Totally signs of an unstable mind. See ya on the other side, bitches!' But then I just thought, 'Nah. Too much work.' Besides, who doesn't love a good surprise?"

Yep. Totally fudging crazy.

"Alright . . . alright. Can you continue to attend those meeting you told me about and give us the details later?"

"What? Aw, man," Hidan complained. "Those meetings're the reason we defected in the first place! There are lectures . . . I mean, er . . . those guys are fucking crazy, and we want nothing to do with 'em." The silver-haired immortal nodded as if it was perfectly believable.

". . . whatever. You'll have to be watched while you're here," the Lady Hokage added.

"Sure. No worries. Oh! Can we get Irish to watch us?" Hidan asked eagerly.

"He means Asuma," Kakuzu put in helpfully. "The adorable cigarette-addicted beardy dog."

She didn't even want to know.

* * *

"Hey, li'l bro!" Haley threw her arm around Shikamaru's shoulders.

"Hello, son," Mary greeted as she drew closer.

"Guess what?" Haley said excitedly. "Irish has been assigned to watch over us and make sure we don't try to completely eradicate Konoha from the face of the Earth! That means you'll be spending even more time with us!" She beamed. "Isn't this great?!"

His face clearly said the opposite.

Haley suddenly turned on Asuma. "An' you! Irish! Lemme huggle you, eh?"

"What? No!" The Jounin jerked back.

"What? Why?" she whined. "Your beardy-dog face makes me love you too much! If I don't let some of it out-like, say, with a hug-I'll explode! You want that, Irish? You fucking want that?"

"He wants it, Haley," Mary said with a leer. "He fucking wants it."

"What? Me to explode?"

Mary looked disappointed. "Oh. That, too, I guess."

"Aha!" Haley looked triumphant. "So ya do want the hug!"

"What? Haley, I just said that he wants to make you explode, not hug you. Are you deranged?" She paused. "Whoops, sorry, I completely forgot about your melted marshmallow mental state. Sorry about that. Won't happen again."

Haley sniffed. "See that it doesn't."

Mary saluted. "Yes, sir, sarge. Never again, sarge. Your marshmallow is your own business, sarge. Gonna sarging keep callin' you sarge 'till you sargin' want me to sarging explode just like your sarging little sargey marshmallow, sarge."

"That's enough, colonel. Your own colonel marshmallow is threatening to colonel implode itself, colonel. And your colonel sarging is colonel irriting me to colonel kill you. Colonel."

Asuma was feeling a sense of doom as he realized that he was going to have to deal with this for what, with his luck, would probably be forever.

"Colonel this, colonel that," Mary sneered. "I'll have you know, my corncob's bigger than yours any day."

Haley paused. Then her lips formed a sneer to rival Uchiha Madara's. "You wish, peasant."

Mary blinked stupidly. "Whazza peasant? Izzit like . . . a pheasant's second cousin? 'Cause I think I saw one yesterday." She thought about it, then added, "I think you might be related, 'cause it totally had your eyebrows."

"You mean these silver slivers of slashing splendor?"

Asuma buried his face in his hands. Shikamaru patted his shoulder.

Meanwhile, Haley was feeling very satisfied. They'd effectively entered Konoha and had now probably just traumatized a Jounin, and she was looking forward to more fun activities like that in the future. Life was good.

* * *

Life was a fucking nightmare.

. . . for other people.

Haley cackled as a seasoned Jounin fled from their presence. "Yeah, you better fucking run!" she yelled after him. "We'll still catch you, but at least you can give us a good chase, eh?"

Mary fixed an incredulous gaze on her sister. "A good chase? You seem to forget, Haley, my one and only true love, Coral the Couch. I worshiped that couch. My sexy bootay worshipped that couch. A few fallen pieces of chips even worshipped that couch." She paused. "Although . . . I was pretty outraged when I found out Coral was male. I mean, I fucking shared my knife-collecting hobby with him! Mostly on his cotton fillings, but still. For a few minutes every day, I was willingly vulnerable, and he took advantage of that." She turned away in shame. "I have never felt so used in my life."

Oh, Mary." Haley sniffed tearfully. "I never knew! Why didn't you tell me you'd been so betrayed?" She gripped her sister's hands in hers. "Don't worry, Mars! I'll protect you from any low-down, no-good scumbags! Or scumcouches, as it were."

Mary held Haley's hands tightly, bringing them to her heart. "Oh, Haley!"

"_Mary_!"

"_Haley_!"

"_Mary_!"

"_Dave_!"

"_Ma_ . . . wait, what? Damn!" she cursed. "You got me again, you Jashin-damn sly fox!"

"I'm not a fox, Haley," Mary reminded. "I'm a Jashin-damn porpoise with bazooka fins and built-in machine guns. Also, a top hat. Can't forget the top hat." She gave a grin. "The built-in top hat."

Asuma honestly had no idea what they were talking about, and he didn't want to know. He really, really didn't want to know. "Why me?" he asked aloud. "Why not Kakashi, or even Gai, for God's sake? Some seasoned Jounin who's not me?"

"Come to think of it, you have to watch them, right? So won't you basically be living with them?" Shikamaru mused.

"Oh, Kami, please no . . ."

* * *

He tried to throw himself on the Hokage's mercy. She had none.

"Deal with it," she said.

That was just it. He didn't want to.

* * *

And so, this was him, facing the silver-haired demon spawn and the green-eyed offspring of the devil, both surely born and bred from evil.

The silver demon flashed a smile full of teeth and glee. "Congratulations, roomie. You're our official housemate."

"Lucky you," the masked son of the devil said. With horrific sincerity.

He whimpered.

* * *

The day started with a cool, lovely breeze, white, fluffy clouds moving slowly in the bright blue sky, birds chirping merrily in the trees . . .

Mary staggered into the kitchen. "Uunngh."

"Hrgh," Haley grunted in reply.

"Graah."

"Rrrgh."

Already up and at the table, Asuma stared at the two cavemen-er, criminals.

Haley squinted horrendous violet eyes at him. "Coffee," she rasped. "Must . . . have . . . life-giving liquid . . ."

"I . . . will . . . liiive . . ." Mary gurgled.

"Liiive," Haley echoed.

Asuma wasted no time in snatching two cups from the cubboard and sloshing coffee into them before practically throwing them in front of the two undead creatures.

Mary gulped it down and set it on the table with a sigh of relief. Then she turned to Asuma. "How fair thee this fine day, noble sir?" she said cheerfully.

"Uh . . . fine," he squeaked. But in a manly way.

After drowning herself in her first cup, Haley delicately sipped her second, fooling no one. At least she was looking marginally more human. "Whither thou goest on this good morn, young rogue?" she questioned, Ye Olde English style. Not that he would know of it.

Weird, he thought, but less terrifying than before. "I promised I would treat my team to lunch today."

"Lunch!" Mary cheered. "Yeah! The place doesn't happen to serve human flesh, does it?"

"Mary!" Haley hissed. "This is not the time to practice your cannibalism!"

"Darn it."

_Deal with it_, she said. _It can't be that bad_, she said. _Well, Lady Hokage, you don't have to live with them_!

"Aw," Haley commented, "Beardy Dog looks so cute when he's thinking about becoming a missing-nin to escape us."

_How did she know_?

"We can read minds," Mary replied. Her gaze was intent on his. "We know exactly. What. You're. Thinking. Exactly."

"Yeah. Exactly. We can see into the deepest, darkest depths of your mind. And there, in your deepest, darkest depths, we find . . . a pair of pink, frilly lady's bloomers." Haley's gaze was knowing. "Know the lady's bloomers, Irish. Channel the lady's bloomers. _Be_ the lady's bloomers."

"The lady bloomers are life," Mary said sagely. "Their pink frilliness is where you get your power. Once you truly understand the bloomers, you understand yourself."

"Accept them. Accept yourself."

Asuma had no idea what to say to this. He may have sputtered a bit before abruptly standing up from his chair, garbling excuses and making his escape.

As he fled, he heard the silver one's voice saying, "Dude needs to get in touch with his feminine side."

* * *

"Maybe we should take pity on him," Haley commented, slurping her third cup of coffee.

Mary blinked at her, cookie crumbles falling desolately to the table. "Pity?" she asked through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie. "Wha's that? Can I eat it?"

"Uh, no. I think it has something to do with kindness and compassion . . . you know, those things that are foreign to our cold, shriveled, darkened, unholy little hearts."

"Kindness? Compassion?" Mary snorted, then started to cackle. "Ha! Ha, ha! Oh, that's funny, Hals. Heh, heh." She wiped her eye. "You slay me. My cold, shriveled, darkened, unholy little heart nearly exploded. Stop it."

"But I like slaying you."

"Oh!" Mary flattered her eyelashes. "Why, Haley! Please, exert some discretion!"

"You mean I shouldn't use my machete?"

"Absolutely not," Mary sniffed. "A syringe full of acid should do."

Outside, people were crossing the street to keep from walking past a house that would have been completely normal, had it not been for the two slightly crazy women in S-class missing-nin's clothing. As it was, that house was subconsciously, very carefully avoided as if it would eat them if they came near.

Who knew. Maybe it would. If so, then as Mary would say, "Coolest security system _ever."_

* * *

**A/N**

**Hells yeah, finally finished this chapter. Kept putting it off because both my sister and I have to be here, at the same time, awake, to write it. Anyway, I just wanted to post this before I went to bed. _Urgh_ . . . so tired. I feel slightly like a zombie, but I figured our dear readers had already waited a while, why let them wait for when I'm sufficiently rested to give them this next chapter?**

**Next, be prepared for Team Ten meetings. The Undead Duo strikes again!**

**By the way, we have no idea what to do about pairings, or even if there should be any (other than Asuma/Kurenai). Thoughts, darlings?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto. Nor do we own tofu, but that's much less of a travesty.**

**Title: Down the Fox Hole**

**Rated: M**

**By: Wynter Spite**

**Hey, guys. So, here's the much-awaited Team 10 meeting. And yes, we do know that Chouji gave up that little hitai-ate hat-thing, but we didn't realize that until we'd already written most of this chapter. And by then, it was too hilarious to change, so we let it stay the way it was. So, dear readers, do us a favor and pretend that Haley and Mary were the reason for his change of heart and headgear, okay?**

* * *

Haley slid onto the booth seat beside Shikamaru, throwing her arm around his shoulders. He just sighed, as if the whole thing was tedious. She gave the other two members of Team 10 a nod. "'Sup."

Mary moved to sit next to Haley, nodding to Shikamaru. "Yo, son," she said casually. "Fancy seeing you here."

Ino was giving them odd looks. "Uh, Master Asuma? Who are these people?"

Next to Ino, who was next to Chouji, Asuma held his coffee cup tightly in his hands. He'd need it.

"These are the two people I've been tasked to watch over by Lady Hokage."

"Yo. I'm Hidan," Haley introduced herself cheerfully.

"I'm Kakuzu," Mary greeted. "Nice to meet ya. Pay no mind to my . . . eccentric . . . associate, no matter what you see or hear, his crazy is absolutely -not- contagious."

"Hey!" Haley protested, "I didn't even say anything insane or disturbing yet!"

Mary gave her a look. "I wanted to give them time to brace themselves."

"Jashin-damnit, Kakuzu, now I can't catch them off guard," she grumbled. "You play mean, telling them all of the lunatic in their midst . . ."

Mary's expression turned sly. "Well, -one- of the lunatics, at least."

Haley began to grin. "You sly creature, you."

Mary cackled. "To think, up until now, they've never guessed Asuma's true self!"

Haley choked. "Asuma? Beardy Dog?" She gave him a horrified look. "I never knew!"

At first, Ino had been suspicious. They had been 'tasked to be watched over by Lady Hokage', after all. But now she could see why.

It was always wise to keep on eye on the crazy people, after all.

_Please, Ino. Everyone's crazy. Some are just more obvious about it . ._ .

Ino cleared her throat. "I'm Ino."

"Chouji," the Akimichi volunteered, munching on a bag of chips. Munching on the chips, not the bag.

Mary was instantly charmed. She reached out and ruffled Chouji's hair. "Aw! You're so cute! Even though that headband makes it look like you're wearing someone's underwear!"

He blinked. Haley hissed, "Shh, Kakuzu! He might not have been aware of the resemblance his head-wear has to a pair of women's panties!" She turned to give him a sympathetic smile. "Sorry about that. My partner has no level of tact or sensitivity."

Ino thought, _Uh, he's not the only one . . ._

Mary rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Yeah, sometimes the truth just gets away from me. I can't seem to keep it in. The truth shall set ye free, y'know? The truth, man. The truth."

"Jashin, Kakuzu! You don't have to keep on it! Really, I'm sorry about him, kid. He shouldn't be so focused on your head-undies."

"Jashin-damnit, Haley, can't you see I'm trying to apologize here?" Mary exclaimed. She turned back to Chouji. "Really, though, man. I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. It's not your fault you've got suspicious taste in clothing. I'm sure a lot of other people wear women's underpants on their heads." She gave him a thumbs-up. "I approve of your attitude. No matter what people say, no matter how they insult your headband or look at you like you're scum on the bottom of their shoes, you've got a right to live your life the way you see fit. Live it, man. Be free."

They were all staring at them like . . . Haley wasn't quite sure. It was like they were insane or something. Only Shikamaru was unfazed. Ah, her dear Shika . . . she hugged him closer. Then, suddenly distracted, she frowned down at him. "Whoa, dude, you're, like, nothing but skin and those twigs you call bones. Little brother, you need to eat more."

Eager to get off the topic of his questionable head-gear, Chouji blurted out, "He's your brother?"

"Yep." Haley gave him a proud, toothy grin. "I'm his illegitimate older brother."

"And my second son," Mary said proudly. "Hidan's my first. And my second-favorite."

"Dad!" Haley gasped, placing her hand over her heart. "The betrayal! The inhumanity! What's next, you'll tell me my pet goldfish Mr. Clean died from breathing too much air?"

Mary stared at her. "Haley, he was a -goldfish-. They literally live in water." She snorted. "So then it's safe to say that he died by drowning." She gave Haley a condescending look. "Obviously."

Ino wondered if she should say anything about that. Asuma just buried his face in his hands and wished that Lady Hokage had picked someone else, anyone else, for this mission.

* * *

"I thought that went well," Haley commented cheerfully.

"Oh, yeah," Mary said casually. "I mean, we couldn't have been friendlier!"

"Though you just wouldn't stop talking about his choice of head-wear." Haley shook her head. "That was cruel, Mary. Poor kid."

Mary lowered her head in shame. "I'm sorry, Haley. I didn't realize the full ramifications of my thoughtless remarks before it was too late. I'm really sorry, hypocri- I mean, Haley."

Haley shot her a suspicious look but settled down. "Hmph. So long as you admit to your mistakes."

"I do," Mary said earnestly. "I admit to them. I was wrong, I know. So wrong. How can you ever forgive me, hypo-Haley? I'm just so reckless."

"That's right . . ." Haley said slowly, staring at her. "You were. You fairly traumatized that kid. What with all your comments about the panties on his head."

"Yeah, he could done without those." Mary shook her head. "I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm a fool. A fool, hyp . . ."

"Ha!" Haley cried triumphantly, pointing at her. "I am not a hippopotamus!"

Mary gazed at her. "You look like one."

She scoffed, crossing her arms. "Please. You're such a hypocrite, Mary."

* * *

**A/N**

**So, yeah. In case anyone missed what we said about Chouji's panty-hat, go back up and read the Author's note at the top.**

**Also, yes, we do know that this chapter is horrifyingly short, and we apologize for this on our knees, with our hands clasped and tears in our eyes. We hope that the hilarity makes up for our appalling (and literal) shortcoming. Unfortunately, we probably won't be writing any more of it any time soon. On the bright side, we have written and posted a sort of side-story of this that's years in the future, when Haley and Mary have hopefully fixed a lot of things and left a lot more people alive then there were originally. Of course, there are probably some more people who hadn't died before that are singing with the heavenly choir (or, as is more likely, screaming with the hellish orchestra).**

**It's called Out of the Fox Hole, Into the Wolf's Den, and here's a preview: _"Would you believe I'm a fucking time-traveler?"_**

**Go on and check it out if you think it's interesting!**


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